There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
