Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
