Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
