haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You're a waste of cheezeits
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
