Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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