Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
