I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
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