Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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