Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize