and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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