I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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