my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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