Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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