This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
