I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
