Non-Jews are for practice
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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