Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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