Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
