Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize