The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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