I can text with my tongue
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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