I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Green mimosas i think yes
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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