You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
