I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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