sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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