toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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