i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
