Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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