smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
