bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
