So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
