Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
