he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
