her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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