Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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