I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize