He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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