I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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