How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
