I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
