just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
