you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
