This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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