textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
