I faked an abortion last night.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
