just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I just forgot I was standing up.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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