4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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