so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
