dude i'm inner monologue high
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
what day is it and did you see me today?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize