Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
