Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
