I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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