One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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