Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
