Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
