It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
