im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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