Please, let me fuck your mom
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize